While watching Zach give the cats a good workout by means of a high-power laser pointer, a thought occurred to me:
When used in a particular way, a laser pointer is essentially a virtual tether with which one can literally slam a cat against a wall.
You can also fling a cat down the stairs or even into a hapless victim’s lap as he sits distracted by his game of Super Smash Bros. Fact is, a cat will pretty much go anywhere a glowing red dot goes. They'll even do it in teams!
Whenever all four of us have to be away from the house at the same time, we make sure all the kittehs are closed off downstairs mainly because Dioji is a moody terrier and cannot be trusted. This past Thanksgiving Day was one of those times and Zach was assigned pet segregation detail. He proceeded to do this, believe it or not, by leading them all down in one big group with his laser pointer.
I was hell of impressed.
Alright, I know the title of the post made it sound like some major scientific breakthrough had been discovered. And sure, adding “major” might be too much, but Zachary’s discovery really is quite a breakthrough!
Have you ever tried to herd cats?
i wish i could even wish that i were at all sorry for what i said, but the fact is
Following up yesterday’s look at the NFC, I wanted to take a look at the AFC, where I think the picture is much more wide open. With Atlanta being taken out by-and-large by injuries, the NFC is really about 7 teams trying to fill 6 spots – the AFC, by contrast has 10 legit teams and even a couple at 5-7 that aren’t mathematically eliminated just yet.
AFC East
New England (7-5) – a couple of weeks ago, the Patriots annihilated the Titans 59-0 and seemed to be on cruise control in their division and ready to make a serious playoff run, but after dropping 3 of 4, they suddenly find themselves in a dogfight for their division. I still think they’re the best team in the east having quality wins (QW, win against a team currently 0.500 or better) against ATL, BAL, MIA and NYJ. Fairly easy schedule remains – only JAX is a quality opponent – suggesting that they’ll make it in barring a big collapse, but they certainly don’t have the aura of danger of previous Pats teams.
Miami (6-6) – the big turnaround team from last year got out to a terrible start, going 0-3, and still being stuck at 3-5 a month ago. They’ve gotten some QWs – NYJ (2x) and NE last week. Big game with JAX this week and a finale versus the teetering Steelers will likely tell the tale. Still, I don't think this team can go very far.
NYJ (6-6) – sort of the anti-Dolphins. Rex Reed’s team race out to a 3-0 start, but have been scuffling for wins ever since. Their only QW was an age ago (September) against NE. They have a couple of winnable games (TB and ATL) and then two against IND and CIN, who may not be playing for much. That bodes fairly well, but I think these guys are done.
AFC North
Cincinnati (9-3) Consider that they lost their 1st game on that crazy deflection play against DEN and you can argue that they should be the 2nd best team in the conference. QWs versus GB and season sweeps of division rivals PIT and BAL (and CLE, but those don’t count). Like the Eagles, inexplicably lost at OAK and that may keep them from getting a 1st round bye. Still, they’re the Bengals, so how much can you believe? I’ll believe a lot more (or not) after their next two games MIN and SD.
Baltimore (6-6) Nobody really seems all that Wacko for Flacco anymore as the sophomore QB has had all sorts of issues. Like the Jets, they got out to a hot start (3-0) and then dropped three in a row – granted, it was to NE, CIN, and MIN – but aren’t those the caliber of teams they’re going to have to beat in the playoffs? (Their QWs are against SD, DEN, and PIT) They have a pretty good chance of making if they can sweep against PIT, which is the last decent team on their schedule, but they're not playing like contenders.
Steelers (6-6) Like NE, the mighty have fallen in recent weeks. The Men of Steel seemed to shake off a sluggish start and were cruising a month ago at 6-2 after cranking out QWs vs. SD, MIN and DEN. Now having dropped four in a row (including head-scratchers to KC and OAK), the Champs will be lucky to get a chance to defend with GB, BAL, and MIA to close after a gimme at CLE this week. Is it really all Troy Polamalu and his hair?
AFC South
Colts (12-0) The mirror of the Saints in the NFC, the Colts have won every week this season – sometimes not so pretty, but Peyton Manning has gotten it done (QWs = JAX, MIA, ARI, NE, BAL) while taking time off from his full-time job as a product spokesperson. With a 3-game lead on home field advantage, they’re almost assured of playing at home through the AFC Championship. The whole “resting for the playoffs” hasn’t worked so well for the Colts in the past. It’ll be curious to see what they do differently, if anything, this year.
Jacksonville (7-5) Who invited these guys to the playoff race? Probably the most under-the-radar decent team in the league, the Jags only QW is a win against the NYJ. They’ve beaten a bunch of mediocre teams but will have to earn their playoff spot with games against MIA, IND, and NE coming up. I don't see that happening.
AFC West
Chargers (9-3) This was supposed to be a cakewalk year for the Bolts, but DEN’s 6-0 blitzkrieg at the beginning of the season derailed that parade. After struggling to 2-3, SD has rolled off a league-best 7 straight wins (QWs = MIA, NYG, PHL, DEN). Tough games against DAL and CIN will determine if they are legitimate contenders to take out the Colts, or another good-but-not-quite-good-enough Norv Turner team.
Denver (8-4) After blazing out to six straight wins, the Broncos came back to earth with four straight losses. They got off the schnide with a good win against NYG and have a slew of other QWs (CIN, DAL, NE, SD). Two tough games (IND and PHL) will tell us if they’re more like the early-season winners or mid-season losers but two should-be wins (OAK, KC) suggest that the Broncos will get a WC and maybe even the division if the Chargers falter down the stretch.
All-in-all, I’m not sure that there’s anyone that will be able to contend with the Colts at home in the playoffs. I think the Pats are starting to show their age, and the Bengals – well, they’re the Bengals. The only real possibility is the Chargers if they can improve their defense for the stretch run. For what it’s worth, I think the Ravens will be the last WC team (after DEN).
This much cute in one place might be dangerous. CimC could implode under the combined weight of DG's good looks and the incredible cuteness in this video. I only got a B in Physics, so don't hate on me if this blog suddenly gets sucked down some black hole of adorableness.
Squeeeee!
The NFL season has reached its ¾ mark and is heading down the homestretch for the playoffs. So, this seems like as good as time as any to review the teams that look to have a shot at the playoffs. For this analysis, I didn’t only look at the record, but also tried to assess the “Have they beaten anyone any good?” question, because let’s face it, there are a lot of bad teams in the NFL this season.
In baseball parlance, I’m calling a “quality win” a win against a team that is currently playing 0.500 or better. We’ll also look at the remaining schedule to see how many “quality” teams are left to play.
NFC East
Dallas – currently 8-4, owns tie-breaker with Eagles due to their win in November. Actually, when you look at the Cowboys, the only other QW they have is against ATL. Their remaining schedule is brutal with SD, NO, and PHL. Another December swoon (which started yesterday in their loss to NYG) and I think Wade Philips is toast.
Eagles – as much as I love them (and hate them), they are also at 8-4, but the only QWs they have are NYG and yesterday’s demolition of the injury-depleted Falcons – so I’m not even sure how to count that one. Tough games against NYG, DAL and DEN remain, with only a home game against the almost-eliminated Niners as one that “ought” to be a win. Have I mentioned how that other-universe-ish loss to the Raiders in October is gonna bite them?
Giants – at 7-5, they might have saved their season with a good win vs DAL yesterday. They have another make or break against the Eagles this week, a couple of winnable games and then a finale against the may-not-be-playing-for-anything Vikings. In addition to the ‘Boys, they have 3 total QWs (the most in the division) due to beating DAL twice and ATL. With the tough PHL and DAL games ahead, I can totally see them grabbing a playoff spot, with one of the other two teams shut-out.
NFC Central
Minnesota – so, Vikings fans, did last night’s clunker against the Cardinals make you worry? The Vikes have 3 QWs (GB twice and BAL) but haven’t had one since Nov 1st. At 10-2, they’ve got an easy enough schedule after a tough game with CIN this weekend and making the playoffs – and even getting a bye shouldn’t be a big deal. After that?!?
Packers – At 7-4, the Packers have shown that if they can keep Aaron Rogers on his feet, they’re pretty good – though their only QW is against DAL a couple of weeks ago. Their position relative to the Giants will be determined with their game against BAL tonight – though they have a tough schedule remaining. They’re going to need help I think to make the playoffs. Man, that inexplicable loss to TB may haunt them.
NFC South
Saints – is there anyone in this division except the Saints? We all watched with horror as the Redskins found a truly I-wouldn't-believe-it-if-I-hadn't-just-seen-it way to crap away a game they’d won, but I’m not worried about the Saints. They have more QWs than anyone in the NFL – MIA, ATL, NE, PHL, NYJ and NYG, which is pretty remarkable. I actually wonder if the loss might have done them well, since they wouldn’t have any “undefeated” distractions. With homefield almost certainly going through the Superdome, these guys are gonna be tough to beat if they stay healthy.
Atlanta – at 6-6 they’re still a viable playoff team, but with their injuries, they’re done. Their only QW is against the also 6-6 Dolphins, and after yesterday's wipeout, they’re going nowhere.
NFC West
Cardinals – another 1-team division, with the Cardinals cruising at 8-4. They have QWs against JAX, NYG and MN and are starting to look more like the Superbowl team they were in January and less like the mess that started this season. The win vs the Vikes may play out for a bye if the Vikings stumble as the only game they have left against a team with a winning record is a final week match-up with the Packers. Would the Packers throw a game (if they were already eliminated) to screw Brett and Vikings --- oh, you know it!
To me, I think the playoff picture will pan out with the Saints as #1 seed, and the Vikings will hold onto #2 (I think they’ll win a game or two and the Cardinals won’t win out even when they should). I have a weird feeling that the winner of next week’s Eagles-Giants game will win the NFC East. I think that Dallas’ schedule will sink them, though if the Pack loses to the Ravens tonight, they should be able to squeak in as a WC. If the Pack wins, I think that last spot is a toss-up.
AFC musings tomorrow!
There’s a rather steep, winding road I take on the way to work that understandably narrows to a single lane on the downhill side. The speed limit correspondingly drops a little, as well. This all occurs shortly after a traffic light and for the next mile-and-a-half drivers are relegated to whatever position they were able to aggressively acquire during the furious Competition Merging that invariably occurs at this type of juncture.
It is the right lane that merges into the left, so you’ll usually see the BMW and CRX drivers choose it, particularly when they end up (oh-so-egregiously) stopped at the light. Their logic is simple: only the right lane provides the opportunity not to get stuck behind one of the left-lane lame-asses who lacked the foresight to buy a car that stuck to the road like an AFX* slot car. They crane their necks to watch for the cross-traffic light to turn yellow; it’s their cue to take the RPMs up to 1200 and shift their clutch-foot to the very edge of the pedal for instantaneous release.
Me, I’m one of the lame-asses, I guess. I seldom worry about my spot in the bizarre, unwritten hierarchy of competitive commuting. I’m of the opinion that making it to my destination alive, undamaged and sans citations is far more desirable than getting there seven seconds before everyone else. But you already knew I was a bit strange.
Anyway, this morning I did play the game because tooling down the hill was a dirty, fume-belching truck with a giant tank on the back proudly emblazoned with The Shit Bilge: We’ll Pump Out Your Poop! (or something like that; I didn’t have anything to write with at the time). The huge coil of corrugated PVC tubing verified what was inside that tank. I’m not sure if moving so slowly was also directly related to his occupation, but the fact wouldn’t surprise me.
For the record, I wasn’t the only one to pass him. I was behind at least a half dozen drivers making the same sensible move.
Here’s the thing, though. As I changed lanes and sped up to squeeze in front of him just before the guardrail could cave in my passenger door, I felt a little like an impatient teenager for whom driving like an asshole has become a requisite personality trait. But the guy in the sewer truck didn’t speed up to force me back behind him the way so many people do, nor did he tailgate me the rest of the way down the hill. He just took his time transporting his contaminated cargo, seemingly unmoved by the growing distance between himself and the crowd of cars in front of him.
I guess if you make your living sucking putrid body waste out of other peoples’ septic tanks, you’ve pretty much already broken and tamed your ego.
*Yeah, that’s right, I was an AFX kid. Big time. Had to save up just a little more chore money, but it was worth it not to settle for Tyco’s second-rate, schlocky slot cars.
Karin and I have been into this show called It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia since it started.in 2005. It's a tad lowbrow sometimes and silly and Amanda absolutely despises it. Her refusal to even be in the room when it's on should probably be some sort of barometer for me, but the thing is, every time I watch an episode of this show I nearly bust a gasket laughing.
To wit...
What the hell!?
Now, you just know I have some choice words to share about this. Please make yourself comfortable as I proceed to illuminate just how little these Conservapedia nitwits know about the real world. I’ve bashed them before, but their offense then was downright innocuous compared to this mess.
For those of you who can’t visit Conservapedia without donning a Haz-Mat suit, I’m happy to republish their silly content for you here because few things are more fun than cramming Fair Use straight up the collective asses of a bunch of idiot fascists.
Basically, what this self-appointed scripture Gestapo wants to do is alter the Bible so that Jesus doesn’t come off so cotton-picking liberal. Evidently, far-right extremists like Conservapedia founder Andy Schlafly* are made very uncomfortable by Jesus doing things like condemning the rich, turning the other cheek, and forgiving those who crucified him. Those things just don’t jive with their black-and-white, might-makes-right, fright-with-spite mentality. How are they supposed to subjugate the poor, amass enormous wealth and power, suppress all opposing viewpoints and still get though the Pearly Gates if the rulebook for their faith contains messages of love and compassion and warnings against the woes of material greed and unchecked hubris? Action must be taken!
Their solution is to go in and “fix” God’s word.
Thing is, just by suggesting this project, they’ve created a massive contradiction that reveals the inherent guile of their intentions while fully obliterating any cogency of their their so-called religious beliefs.
See, as ironic as it is, the Bible wasn’t always a book. It’s second half, for example, started out as oral recitations composed and continually repeated by Christ’s disciples. Generations later, those recitations were committed to paper by men who never actually met their Messiah. Then, over the span of a couple thousand years, these writings were translated a gajillion times by people of dramatically variant levels of intelligence, bias, and mastery of ancient Greek.
As a kid growing up in a Christian household, I often wondered how anything written in the Bible could convey an idea that was even remotely similar to its original meaning. Considering that the phrase “typically nasty weather” becomes “tickle your ass with a feather” by the time it’s reached its twelfth set of ears, the very idea the Bible had any validity seemed impossible to me.
Then my mother explained to me that the reason the Bible was not subject to the errors of men was because God was all-powerful and would not allow it. She told me that the Bible was “the eternal and unerring word of God” and that I ought to avoid doubting the Lord. That satisfied me for many years. I have since come to find it is the go-to response to the Bible translation question.
Until now, that is.
What is so beautiful about the Conservative Bible Project is that it is based on the assumption that God is a fuck-up – that he is incapable of keeping us silly humans from bastardizing his Word. The defining statement of their mission is that “Liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations.”
Another way they could have said this is: “The single biggest problem with the Bible is that God has been unable to keep man from distorting it.”
So right off the bat, they admit their God is a failure. He can’t even stop us from putting words in his mouth, for crying out loud!
Too easy? Fine. We can go deeper. Let’s assume that Satan was cleverer than God gave him credit for (a lesser offense on God’s part, if still indicative of imperfection). We’ll say for the sake of argument it’s the devil’s fault there are “liberal” translations of the Good Book and that some remarkable Christian needs to step up and defend the integrity of his Savior’s conservative intentions.
What qualifications, I wonder, does Mr. Schlafly have in translating ancient Greek texts and how many of the original scriptures has he personally studied at length? Does he have any renowned Bible scholars on his team? Can he readily see the glaring flaw in the logic employed by Thomas Aquinas to prove God? What is his IQ? (If that last question seems unfair, consider that he wants to call the Holy Spirit the “Holy Force”. o_O Bothered by this Yoda is… distresses him, it does!)
Hell, does he even know how long a cubit is and, if so, just how important does he consider that data to be? I have to ask because, from the standpoint of having to contain two of every single living thing for water transport, one would hope the Bible’s definition of a cubit would be a liberal one.
There’s no shortage of lunacy in Schlafly’s project to keep me going for a while. I could go off on how anti-intellectual it is to get rid of holy names like Yahweh and Jehovah or how revealing of their hypocrisy it is that they want to remove passages such as the one wherein Jesus tells a crowd to “let him who is without sin cast the first stone” at a suspected adulteress. I could tear apart the idea of hell as a direct contradiction to freewill or simply point out how Conservapedia denizens are so stupid and confused the notation “disfavored here” had to be added next to their link to their own Feminist Bible page.
But, the thing is I have a project of my own in the works I need to get back to. I’m currently in the process of fixing all the silly conservative rhetoric in Gray’s Anatomy. I personally think it’s time we gave things like tapeworms and corsets and lead makeup another chance.
*Andy Schlafly is the son of Phyllis Schlafly, a failed politician who did her hypocritical best in the 70s to stop the ERA even as she enjoyed a lofty career as an attorney.
So, for the last week or so, Penny's been dealing with the after effects of picking up an infection after having worms (ick). But after a couple of days of antibiotics, she seemed to be doing pretty well. And today was the first day back on the mountain after having had her put on a steady diet of bland food, antibiotics (which she will eat disguised in Gruyere cheese --- that's right --- not cheese slices, not cheese sticks, not peanut butter, Gruyere) and boring old leash walks.
She had a great time and ran and ran and ran. As we were heading home, she still had plenty of energy and ran way ahead and I called her back. She came running with something being lightly chewed in her mouth. I think -- oh great, worm-filled coyote poop. She comes up and I tell her, "Drop It!" and (somewhat surprisingly) she does. Expecting to see some half-masticated turd, I look down and there is what is pretty clearly something's liver. About 3" by 2" with what I was pretty sure was the gall bladder port still attached. Mmmmm....yummy!
I think maybe it was a rabbit's -- though it seemed a little big (though honestly I don't know how big a rabbit's liver is...) -- maybe it was from a raccoon?
Anyway, Penny got some treats for dropping on command -- which I doubt were as appetizing as that liver, and she seemed quite pleased with herself all morning.
Happy Friday!
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